vain, selfish & lazy.

Friday, January 26, 2001

TRAFFIC - dir. steven soderbergh
when i think of traffic -- the word and not the movie -- my thoughts tend to drift towards automobiles. without consulting a dictionary, i'll give a definition of traffic as i see it: tending to slow things down and to making it very difficult to pass through. and yet watching steven soderbergh's gripping film traffic, when that very word is instead used in conjunction with the word "drugs," the definition becomes its antithesis: drugs are moving through the border both with quickness and with relative ease.

traffic, based on the bbc series traffik, views the drug trade from all angles, in particular comparing and contrasting the systems of the mexico and the united states. in mexico, the film is treated to look harsh with washed-out yellows and oranges, giving a relentlessly heat-drenched feel to the scenes, perfectly corresponding to the brutal system where those arrested are tortured into revealing their sources and where treatment is an idea scoffed at -- "junkies die," to paraphrase general arturo salazar, quite literally a drug czar.

the scenes in the united states involving our drug czar, portrayed by michael douglas, are the dull and drab blue of feckless legislation and bureaucracy: in america, the battlefields for the war on drugs are at congressional hearings and in courtrooms. the suburbs are painted in the same light, dens of ennui where the rich kids, running out of toys, turn to drugs, with special implications for douglas' character. when asked, his daughter says, "it's a lot easier for me to get drugs than to get alcohol."

after watching this brilliantly-acted ensemble film -- benicio del toro deserves special mention for his portrayal of a mexican cop desperately trying to do the right thing in the face of widespread corruption -- you're left thinking that the war on drugs will never be a success. so what if you cripple the supply when the demand is so high? one of the characters says to douglas' character, if you bring down the drug rate 20%, that's a great accomplishment, but think of how many kids out there are still hooked. traffic, as much as possible, leaves the theorizing up to you: it seems to say that the war on drugs isn't winnable, but yet at the same time makes you believe that it's one that still needs to be waged for fear of what would happen if we gave up.
-fred solinger | steal this link! | discuss

the end of an era:
okay, two things before i begin:
1. do you remember when you were a kid and, in the throes of self-pity, you'd think, "oh, they'll be so sorry when i'm dead, etc." and then proceed to imagine your funeral where mourners were abundant and totally inconsolable, each of themselves asking why they couldn't just have been a little nicer to you while you were alive and now that you're dead, you'll never know how much they cared about you? oh, admit it.

2. do you remember, and i'm sure you do, people telling you that your life can change in a blink of an eye? and do you then remember thinking something like, "yeah RIGHT, old man, like i'm so sure," believing that your life would be a model of constancy?

okay, i'm not going to talk about these things right now, and i may not even talk about them at all but if you keep them in mind while you read the following, your, um, "enjoyment" -- no, no, wrong word, how about "understanding" -- will be increased exponentially.

today i was fir-- no, i was "let go." beyond being a much nicer way of saying it, there are some other differences.

1. when you get "let go," you get paid severance.

2. when you get "let go," the leaving is friendly and everyone who matters, feeling bad because their hand was forced no matter what their own personal thoughts regarding you, is very willing to both (a) help you find a new job and also (b) put in the very best word for you.

the only way i could've been more shocked by the whole thing was for them to say that they intended on replacing me with a TRAINED MONKEY. there was really no hint that what happened today was indeed going to happen, nothing in the wind indicating a change was afoot, other than my best friend at the company lending me office space the previous night, which turned out to be remarkably prescient: if you haven't seen it, and you work in a cubicle, do so immediately. when one is called into their boss' office, one is, i believe, trained by society -- especially through films and television -- that it is a bad thing. my experience has been quite different: every time i've gone into my boss' office it's been a GOOD thing, especially the last time when i received a generous raise and bonus, thanking me for a great year's work and, they hoped i'm sure, inspiring me to ascend to even greater heights in the new year. so when i headed off towards her office this morning, it was with a sense of dread, fearing that maybe this was the time the streak ended, that my luck has finally ended.

well, wouldn't you know it, i was right! yes, i ROCK!! wait a second, this isn't a good thing: not really a bad thing, but certainly not a good thing. my first guess: i'm going to get reprimanded for my dress, by which i mean my attire and not my pink chiffon thing. "boss," i was ready to say, "i've worn a tie 10 out of the last 12 days. there's been a marked improvement in my attire." as i shut the door behind me, with the sense of dread and foreboding having replaced air in the office, i got the feeling it wasn't that. it began with talk of my raise and my thoughts immediately became, "oh, great, they're going to take back my raise. fuck." well, they did...and they took a lot more too!!

i'll say no more than that about it because i'm still respectful of the company's privacy. i'll merely reiterate that it wasn't performance-based: my position was eliminated completely, as were those of several of my co-workers within the department. i believe i had a good sense of humor about it, perhaps a bit too good, finding humor in EVERYTHING: walking around wearing a "will work for food" sign; joking that, should the boss ask you to see her in her office, DON'T go; remarking about a fellow employee's new phone headset, "she gets a new headset and I GET FIRED!!" etc. and everyone else, despite the pallor in the air, were equally upbeat, promising, as people to do, that they know people who could help me out and assuring me of the ease in which i'll find a new, better job and now i'm wondering how much of it was sincere and how much of it was smoke blown up my ass: for now, because i like them, i'll give them the benefit of the doubt. whatever the case may be, i'm a person who believes that there's a reason behind everything so, optimistically, i like to view this as fate intervening and righting my course, her way of letting me know that this isn't what i'm meant to be doing. why, just the other day, i was going around, asking employees what they majored in, trying to determine whether or not they had planned on a job in circulation or, if like me, they were here by default. maybe about 50/50, it turned out. when i first applied to the company, it was for an editorial assistant position: perhaps i should follow that. to be honest, i have no idea what my next step will be, but in the interim i'm going to try and be as happy as i can given the circumstances. it's not every day that you get the chance to make a new start.

as the day progressed, i'd learn that this was a company-wide deal, that people from all sectors we're getting let go. i ran into a friend from the editorial side who was being let go, and it was this very point that i begun to feel upset for not being upset, for taking it so lightheartedly. she was a friend of a friend who moved out here from california, giving up a better paying job for the prestige that she saw in this job. since then, she has turned down many better paying jobs, even recommending friends for the positions. she was up to four in the morning cover a concert the previous night, so understandably, she got little sleep. it's been nearly a year since she joined the company, so when her boss called her in today, not without reason, she believed that maybe they'd talk raise/bonus, since she worked 12 hour days and weekends and gave her fucking all for them. i don't think she once suspected that they'd be letting her go. as we spoke, she was on the verge of tears, and there we were, two people just let go and you'd never know it from my demeanor and i began to feel distant from her even as i was offering her every service or aid i could provide for her. if i had any self-pity at this moment, it was utterly eradicated.

two of my closest friends at the company graciously took me out to lunch today, and a fine lunch it was. we discussed all that we'd seen and then all that we'd not see again, at least as a group. i remarked that this felt like the last day of every school i'd been to combined. i'm going to miss them most of all, and that is the people as a whole, and also the work environment. yes, the work was enjoyable at times, but if it wasn't for the people, i wouldn't have stayed. i'm sure i'm going to meet new people -- and now i'm in high school mode -- but i should be so lucky as to meet a group as friendly and as personable as the people i'm leaving behind. and now i'm thinking of all of the people i vowed to keep in touch with after school -- k.i.t. was the acronym -- and how few i've actually talked to and in a way it's quite saddening. as i sit here, i still don't believe it's sunk in; i'll probably instinctually wake up at 7 or so on monday before realizing my predicament. looking at some of the folks as i left in a trail of tears, hugs, and handshakes, i couldn't shake the feeling that this was a scenario where the survivors envied the dead, that with the workload they're now meant to carry at the level of compensation they're receiving, they wish that someone paid them to go.

we all have to start somewhere, people say. my first job and i can't say that this is the way i thought it'd end, but it's an ending. my best to all i've left behind, not like any of them will see this. we had a good run while it lasted.

p.s. so last night, i qualified for "who wants to be a millionaire?" for the umpteenth time. so, the hollywood ending is that they call me today just as i become jobless and i make it to the show and i win the million, etc. but, this being new york and not hollywood, i didn't even get a call. fuckers.
-fred solinger | steal this link! | discuss

Thursday, January 25, 2001

and the answer is...m.c. skat kat: review of "his" album: http://allmusic.com/cg/x.dll?p=amg&sql=A12621

the onion naming it the least essential album of the 90s: http://avclub.theonion.com/avclub3547/avfeature3547.html

be the first to bid on the album and see the artwork! http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1406051993

WRITE THIS DOWN!
mc skat kat was voiced by one derrick "delite" stevens. little is known of mr. stevens and, once word got out that it was indeed he behind mc skat kat, it is presumed that he died of EMBARRASSMENT.
-fred solinger | steal this link! | discuss