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January 4, 2001   Happy New Year!!!  It was pretty quite but a relaxing weekend.  The snow began falling Saturday Morning
so I resolved myself to the fact that cabin fever may set in... Immediately I began thinking about the comfort foods, so to the kitchen I ran, tore open the cabinets and to begin the search a snowstorm  was brewing the folgers was hot... I got on my bathrobe and out the door with the dogs I went with a trot.  I came back in and looked again, Soup is the thing now where to begin.   I sipped my coffee and wrinkled my nose, oops the dog, so out doors I goes.. (ugh).. I did this all day and soup finally was made.  You think with a storm I mighta got... Oh well it was a good day to curl up on the couch, we watched some movies and I tried not to grouch...  Sunday the morning was hectic again we sprung from the bed to be on the run again.. We went to have Thai food like we always do.. came home and played I made a snow angel too.   We made it to midnight and then went to sleep.  Happy New Years!! I can't believe it...how quickly the time does fly... It wont be too  long and will do it again.

  Yesterday I took my mother out as I hadn't seen her since christmas, she was happy to see me.. I was happy to see her.  WE went to lunch.. That was about it.

  Today I went to Weight Watchers.. I did okay stayed the same.  I have to get serious now. Summer is just around the corner.

December 26, 2000   Christmas was very nice.  Our Grandson woke up very early and was so pleased that Santa had already came.  He said he heard the clatter, but stayed in bed as not to scare Santa away.  So Up Up Up we all got and Billy was  a happy little boy.  His mother, Grandfather and I all had a Great Day.  I started cooking and then got dressed and went with my husband to pick up my mother.  She looked really nice, we had a good day and a very Merry Christmas.  I hope you all did also. 

December 21, 2000  Only a few days to go till santa arrives.   I hope everyone gets what they want.

My mother is very anxious about the holidays.  I don't know anymore if she is really saying these things to me or if I just know what she is thinking.  She likes the decorations and wants all her kids to get together.   It is really weird, that I know what she is talking about most of the time.  I do know that her speech has improved since she is back on the aricept.

  My Grandson turned 9 on the 19th of December, wow times flies by.    Happy Holidays to all.. 

December 15, 2000  I guess I was wrong.   I think I may have fixed the problems now. It has been a very busy time.  I have been getting ready for the holidays.  Wednesday My daughter grandson and my cousins all went to NYC.  We left  at 4:45 in the Am.  We went to the gas station and got gas... Then the car wouldn't start, we got the man at the gas station to give us a jump start, after we bought the cable.. and Off we went.  Sue drove, she is great at driving in the city.  we were parked and in front of the Today show before & 7 am.  It was freezing cold.  Then we went and had some coffee.  Then to Radio City Music Hall for the Christmas Spectacular.  It was Great.  We had lunch at the WWF restaurant so we walked to Time Square.  Later in the day everyone skated at the Rockefeller Plaza ring.  We went in St., Patrick's Cathedral and to saks fifth avenue..  It was a great day.

     I really hope I get this all uploaded I have had major computer problems.  I lost many of my things but little by little I am getting it back together.  ((((HUGS))))) 

December 6, 2000  I think I may have fixed my computer problems.   The group is off and running and I am so happy that so many friends are getting back together again.  Life is so short when you stop and think about it.  Last night my grandson has his christmas pageant at school.  He is in 3rd grade.  I looked at all the children and thought , WOW, theses kids have no idea, that forty years from now they may get to have a high school reunion and see some old classmates.   I did, It was wonderful.  I saw friends I went to kindergarten with.  It was easier for me to recognize them.  I guess we had seen so many changes over our life time that there wasn't that big of a difference some how.  I feel truly blessed to have had that moment.

  I took my mother out on monday to the doctors, she was having a pretty good day.  I had them put her back on the aricept, it may be my imagination but I swear it has helped.   Good night my friends, (((HUGS)))

  I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.  I had a great one, My turkey turned out great , My brother and sister in law came and Mom was doing really good.  The doctors put her back on the aricept, call me nuts but I see a difference.  ((HUGS))) 

October 26th, I went to weight watchers today, I am on my way to getting rid of the weight  It will be a long hard road but I will keep trying.
I got a new Puppy his name is Skip.   He is 5 months old.  My other sheltie is 5 years old and both are getting along just fine.

  My mother is about the same just more trouble with her speaking skills.  I find it harder and harder to talk to her.  But somehow we both understand each other.  This weekend  I want to bring her to my house so she can meet my new puppy.  Love ya all (((HUGS)))

September 1, 2000  Last night I went to a wake for a cousin of my fathers.  He is my cousin too but  a lot older than me.  He died after suffering a very long time with Alzheimer's.  He has a sister who we think may have it too. I feel like it was a end to a
era.  I recall going to his farm and seeing all my cousins when I was very young.  I didn't recognize many of them but It was nice getting to see them now.  Isn't it sad how families do this, we let so much time go by because of a hectic schedule and then see old friends and family at wakes and weddings.  If it is at a wedding a least it is a happy occasion.  I felt a bit awkward at first but  my cousins all made me feel much more at ease.  I think after my father died we didn't keep as close contact with his side of the family except for a few.   I left there feeling that I needed to learn a little bit more about my ancestry on that side so I went to Ireland .com and started checking there.  Who knows I might find where it all began.  My Aunt Viola went along with me to the wake, she is my mothers sister.  The funny thing about that is, my mother and her lived in a house that this cousins Grandfather owned, that's how my mother met my father.  And he became my Great~Grand father.  He helped both my mother and my Aunt run away to get married.    I guess he was very instrumental in matching my mother with my father who was his Grand son.  My Aunt said for her it was like looking back to her youth seeing all old friends .  They were all friends growing up here in the country.  They would all take the horse and buggy to town once and a while.  Growing up in the country and on farms they didn't need to go grocery shopping every week or every other day like we do now.  The food was fresh from the garden or cow.  I also learned that My mothers father got his first car in 1922 the year my mother was born.  I love talking to my Aunt Viola.   When I first moved into this area I took my camera and went to the old house and took some pictures.  The lady that lives there now spotted me and invited me in.  It wasn't until that very moment it hit me that both sides of my family lived in that old house.   I was touched to think I was able to do that.   Times goes by, so fast.   I guess theses memories are gone from my mothers mind but I am happy I have the chance to write them down for my daughter.  I could go on and on but I will stop now.  There is a lingering~~~` aura I feel that I can't explain.  (((HUGS)))) KTFINJ

August 30, 2000   Today was a good day for me and yesterday too.  I felt like I had some energy.  It feels good to feel that way.  Yesterday I did laundry and cleaned my house.  I was really pooped at the end of the day, so I slept good and got up like a normal person today, well at least early enough to watch some "Today" with Matt Lauer.  Then I decided to go visit my mom.  I got to her about 11:00 AM another milestone for me lately to be up and out by then.  Anyway she was so happy to see me and I was happy to see her.  I had Billy with me and a friend of his, so we all got in the car and headed south.  We drove to Freehold, New Jersey where my brother Joey works.  Mommy was so Happy to see him and he was happy to see her.  It is about 2 hours one way but really worth the trip, just to see there faces beaming with happiness.  My was so happy that all the way home she would tell me how much she loved her children, "All of Them"  and how grown up Joey was getting and how hard he works and on and on... Mom really does love us, she always says wonderful things about her kids.  She tells me how much she loves Jimmy and Joey and me.  And the one she sees is the one she loves the best.... not really but sort of  in sight in mind.  However today when we were turning around in someone driveway she thought we were at Jimmy's house.  Any way we had a great day and Billy and His friend were really good kids and they spent a real long time in the car.  If Mom could read this I would just say Mommy, I love you so much. Nothing can ever replace your hugs and unconditional love...  (((HUGS)))) 

August 27, 2000  Well it is Sunday and it was pretty nice weekend.  Greg was home and he took Billy and got him a dirt bike, Was he ever excited!! He needs to get a little bigger before he can really handle it on his own, but for the time being he has one and Grandpa doesn't mind driving him around the yard in it.   Hey , I am trying to be in Pansies Top 100 Angel Sites Please vote for me.
Vote for me in Pansies Top 100 Angel Sites 

August 25,2000      Well it looks like I don't listen very well.  It is pretty bad when your friend tells you they put the engagement announcement of my daughter in her journal, bad mommy I am.  So sorry. Well a lot has happened since I last wrote, Sue and Stan got engaged on August 17th.  That was the big thing.  I am still trying to figure out why my blood sugar and blood pressure are going up and down.  But  I am feeling much better,  My mother is doing pretty good too.  Her moods have been really good, but she has a lot of trouble walking, she says her legs get too tired.  I hope we can keep her walking,  I saw her last week we went out and had a very nice day as usual, but I didn't get there this week.  My brother Jimmy and my sister in law Florence went to see her tonight and she asked if they would take her for a ride, she really enjoys that.  She also was real happy about Sue's engagement.     Now if we think we are having a bad day you should be my nieces cat,  My  sister in law put some things in the dryer at my nieces house, well the cat,,, yep you got it... jumped in she didn't see the cat, but heard some weird thumping, went opened the door and the cat jumped out.  Man , talk about a bad day..

   Mary, thank you for the phone call, Love ya Girl friend, I hope you get feeling better soon too.  (((HUGS)))

August 13, 2000  I have been told by many people that I have been a bad girl since I haven't been writing in my journal faithfully.  I am so sorry.  I have been running around lately to doctors appointments and just not finding the time I need to sit and do it.  Some nights when all settles down and things are quiet I just sit and listen to the quiet.   Today we had a very nice day.  MY Mother was here for the day with both my brothers and there wife's Jimmy with Florence and Joey with Kathy.  Kathies father and me and Greg, Sue, Billy and Stan.  It was a nice day I think everyone had fun.  I made chicken fajitias and Mexican rice and refried beans.  Then we had coffee and cake.  We laughed and just had a real good day.  Mom told me she had a nice time. Mom was really good about keeping most of us and our names right.    Jimmy and Florence took her back to the NH.  They said she was happy and singing in the car.  Wonderful!!!!   On another note the thing with mom and the guy, seems to have straightened its self out all alone.  Well a a small discussion with the man and he has been trying to keep to him self.  Lonely for the loved ones who live in the nursing home.  We all need love.....  Good night my friends.  ((((HUGS))))   KTFINJ...

Mary,  I am thinking of you and you are a wonderful person and friend.   Thanks for the email.   (((HUGS)))

August 2, 2000   I did go see my mother last week and we had a very nice visit.  I took her to visit her niece.  We had lunch at her house and a wonderful day.  I cant help but wonder about this disease and sexuality.  It appears my mother has become attracted to a gentleman at the nursing home where she lives.  It is causing some problems, they were found together kissing.  From what I know he doesn't have Alzheimer's.  My mother is 78, she is still very attractive.  Is it so, that while her memory may be diminished some of her other senses are still alive and kicking.  Or just because she can't recall something that she no longer has a need for companionship or a need to feel needed or loved.  That the hug or embrace is still a soothing element to take away some of life's other pain.   I wonder?  I will need to discuss this more.  I feel it is a very important aspect of this disease.  (((HUGS))))) KTFINJ

July 21,2000
        I haven't gone to see my mother this week yet.  I haven't been feeling to good.  I hate it when I don't get there my emotions really start to get the best of me.  I don't recall if I wrote the last time I was with her but it was last week.  She had miss placed her dentures so I brought her to my house for lunch we had a nice visit and My aunt Viola came down to see her so it was extra nice.  I had a old dentures so I gave them to her I guess they were okay cause I got them in her mouth and she didn't complain.  Since then I did find out that they found her dentures so we are back in good shape as far as that goes.  It seems so funny I am writing this my mother was always very vain about the fact that she wore dentures no one ever saw her with out them .  I was thinking today how she would get up every day shower put her make up on get dressed and that was the way it was even the day we found her  so sick and bruised, she still wanted to shower  get her make up on and fix herself before I could take her to the doctors.  I guess that was my biggest clue when she was with me that she was getting worse was she didn't want to get dressed or put on make up.  It was like one day she just forgot how to do it.  Except for her lipstick she still does that on her own, well for me she does.   I cant talk about this any more.. feeling very sad .  Just wanted to write in my journal cause it has been a while.  (((HUGS))) my friends.... KTFINJ 

July 12, 2000   I know it has been a long time.   I took a mini vacation and went to she seashore.  I haven't seen the ocean in a real long time.  I had fun and it was nice to get a way a few days.  Now it is back to the old grind.
I have seen my mom a few times since I last wrote in my journal.  The doctors have taken my mother off her aricept and I tired to convince him I wanted her to stay on it.  He felt it wasn't doing her as much good as it should.. I am afraid that she may get worse.  It seems in some ways that she is.  She has been lying down more and more.  She is always happy to see me.  Our conversations are hard to understand but some how we are still communicating.  When I told the doctors that I correspond with other patients with AD he said the caregivers??? I said NO the Patients... he felt that they didn't know weather or not the medicine was helping them.  I am very upset that he felt that way.   It was like he didn't believe what I was saying... I went along with his decision only because he felt the side affects of lethargy and stomach problems were more detrimental to her.  Since she has a abdominal aneurysm I was swayed into agreeing with him.. I did say If I felt she was getting worse he would put her back on it.  That is difficult for me to say... Love is blind...  Well for all my friends.. Thanks for caring. 

June 22, 2000    I guess it looks like I have lost interest in writing in my journal.  No not really it is just that the days are flying by.  My foot is still mending and come night time it pains me so bad I just want to lie down.  I ordered some things on line but so far the best experience has been with planet RX I had my prescriptions sent to them and I order them got them transferred and in my medicine cabinet in 4 days.  Not bad for the first time plus I saved $53.90.  If you think you would like to visit the Planet the link is:    http://www.planetrx.com/product/rx/pharmacy.html.  They also have very h helpful site for chats and discussions on many different topics concerning your health issues.    I saw Mom today she looked really good and was so happy to see me... as usual we had a nice visit.. I love her so much...    One of the  e-mail that i read today talked about the problem with reading and keeping the interest in a book.  I have that problem and I have for some time now.  I guess some of my symptoms which I didn't really know were symptoms truly might be.   Got That!!! oh well it is very difficult for me to write about how I feel and things that happen to me in this very public place only because I know a lot of people may think I might only feel this way because of my mother... I don't think so but who knows... it is very scary to think that this might be happening and I cant talk about it.... (((HUGS)))) KTFINJ

June  8, 2000   Hi everyone, today was a great day.  I went to see my mother and my Aunt Viola came with me.  My mom was so excited, when she saw her, she called her Aunt Viola and her last name... Big hugs all around.  We then went out to eat at Perkins, Mom always liked that place.  Today she had steak baked potatoes shrimp I ate her mixed veggies and a salad.  We ordered that and I said we would share because normally she doesn't eat real good.  Guess what? she ate all of it except for a few pieces of meat and a little potato.  I was so happy and she had coffee, she hasn't been to interested in that lately but really enjoyed it today.  It is sort of a ride to get there so driving in the car makes her happy so all in all a very good day.  Mom got her hair cut yesterday and she looked so beautiful today, really beautiful.  I love her so much.

     Mary, that if tomorrow never comes poem brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you so much.  I passed that on to some very special people and my honey too.    I have had a very interesting week with electronics, my tv and radio and phone were all out in the beginning of the week and my computer was giving me problems too.  Everything is better now except for the tv.  The direct tv repair person should be here tomorrow.  Love to all (((HUGS))) KTFINJ 

June 3, 2000   Hi every one.  I went to see my mom yesterday, she was really happy to see me.  We went out for a real long ride and we had lunch.  then we drove back and on the way we stopped for DQ  (Ice Cream) mom really liked that.  It was really hot and humid and it must have been really bad because mom was hot and didn't mind the air conditioner one bit.  That made me very happy since I am always very hot.  Then we went to see my sister in law (Florence)  Mom told me she likes her.. that she is always so nice to me..  I have to agree she has been so much help to my mother and me with all of this.  It makes me so happy.    When I got home from visiting I didn't turn on the computer because of the treats of bad storms.  We were pretty lucky but  we had a storm it just wasn't as bad here as they were predicting.    I have been trying to get off my medicine for depression. (zoloft) I don't think it is going to well for me.  I was telling my husband about my visit with my mom and I started crying.  I  still feel so bad that she has to be in a nursing home.  My heart is breaking , I know she is getting good care.  I just have a problem with it.  Oh well.  Sorry I didn't get in the chat yesterday Mary I was too afraid to turn on the computer and I got in late so it would have been a real quick chat for me anyway.  I will talk to you soon.    Hey Laura, if you read this you must have spare time.  How did that happen you are so busy.  (((HUGS))) KTFINJ

May 26,2000   Well really I tried to enter this information in yesterday but I was having problems with my keyboard.  I saw my mother yesterday and she was in very good spirits.  She wanted to go out so we did and we shopped and had lunch.  She amazes me sometimes, she asked about her sister Aunt Viola, asked If I had been up to see her? I said not lately, Mom said I always liked her  she is a good person and always welcomes you in. She wants to see her again so I said I would arrange it.  So soon we will be getting together with her.  I also had to change things over in her closet from winter to summer, but that is very difficult for me as my mom hates it when she sees things being taken away.  It breaks my heart too.  Anyway we did it so it is over with for now.  I love her so much and yesterday she was very alert.

  I had a nice time in the chat group again today Mary you are doing a great job....  Have a good holiday weekend. (((HUGS))) KTFINJ

May 23, 2000   Mary, this is for you...... Thank you for the conversation.  It is impossible to think that the internet is all bad.  I have made some wonderful and true friends.  They have restored my faith in the human race.  I think it is all about ow you use this fabulous tool.  My friend Mary I am so happy that your going to be okay with your foot problems.... It was great talking to you.

I hope the rain stops for a few days, I know my friends in Florida would like some rain maybe it will o there for a while.  I am willing to share.
Speaking of sharing here is a picture of a Bear that I took.
This one was down the road from my house just laying under a tree.  The bears that come to my house are cuter, but they come at night ad I cant get a picture.  I hope you enjoy it... I think I a going to change my name to Goldielocks.  ((((HUGS))) KTFINJ

   I guess that is it for me...... Nothing much worth writing about.  (((((((HUGS)))))) KTFINJ
 

I think it got to be too much for her cause after this she wanted to go back home.  She is still so beautiful.. I love her so much.. today she seemed so good... even with her in ability to speak the correct words she still gets her point across pretty good.  Most times I understand what she is saying, but even when the words don't say what she wants her expressions do... most of the time.   Thank you god... (((HUGS))) 

May 5, 2000   Well I guess nigh one who has been reading my journal ust be wondering if the weed wacker attacked me....
No I am sill here, I just got in a slump.  I have so much to be grateful for, yet when I get depressed it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is very far away.   WOW, looking at what I last posted I see I didn't mention the birthday party for my best friends daughter who turned 21... Hip Hip Hooray~~~~~We had a nice time at the party and got home late for us.
May 1 was the anniversary of the death of my father, 37 years ago... I was 11 years old..Each year I think about it like it was just yesterday.  I haven't been to see my mom.  The last time I saw her was Easter, boy do I feel guilty about that.  My daughter and my brother and his wife have been there so  get the information about how she is doing.  I 'am having bad dreams because I haven't been here.  I push it down way down deep inside of me, it's like I am preparing myself for when she goes on with her journey to be with her maker her mother and her father and her brothers and sister that have gone before her.  I miss her I miss our talks yet a terrific amount of stress has been lifted off my shoulders.  That sounds so awful, I know she does not miss me because she cant remember.   When she sees me she will be happy because that will be when she will remember me.  I know I have always told her how much I loved her... I was always there for her.  Why do I feel so bad... so deeply sad.. want to ee he yet I don't.. oh!! this is why I am depressed I know it... I want to hold her... I want t go to lunch,,,, go shopping like we always did... Hey Grow up girl....; I need to let this go....  I know once I go to see her I will feel better.. I pray so anyway..
well my friends, sorry o dump on ya all.... I will be back. Sorry it has taken so long...  Love ya (((HUGS)))) KTFINJ

Hey Mary,,, if you read this... Way to go girl,,, you did good on your first day on the job..... 

April 26, 2000      It has been pretty nice lately so I have been doing a lot of yard work.  I bought a weed wacker that has wheels and I push it all around the edges to get it looking nice.  I also get a lot of exercise doing it.  Just trying to move around  a bit.  Nothing else really going on in my life.  My Grandson is home from school this week so that has been keeping me a little more busy than usual .  I hope all my cyber friends are okay.  (((HUGS TO YOU ALL))))   KTFINJ
 

April 23, 2000   Oh what a nice day we had at my brothers and sister in laws house.  The food was good and we laughed and joked.  Sue brought mom and she had a good time too.  We missed you Donna, but maybe the next time we will have your company too!!.  Billy and Jimmy were having fun playing... and so was  little princess...  (wink) she wanted to be outside with the boys but couldn't do that.  I am going to call her princess because she is so little and I am not sure if her mommy wants us to use her name on here ... okay???     It was really funny when my niece asked  what is the Surprise!!!   It had me going crazy cause I couldn't remember... I know what it is now... but I cant tell you... Sorry.. just trust me. It isn't that good of a Surprise to everyone.    Once again .. Today was really nice.. I had a great time,, so glad to get together with my family... I love them all so much.. Mom loved it too.  She stayed pretty long for her.  Still very hard to deal with.. I have to shake my head...to get it out of my mind... That this is all there is... Yes Momma, I remember the song..." Is that all there is" You liked it so much... You are happy in your heart knowing your kids are all friends and we all care about each other very much... And you know what else Mom.... you were right... Florence, does love you and is very nice to you... She always comes through when you needed her the most....  Okay now I said it...  It would be hard for me to tell her this for you face to face... but I think she knew in her  heart how much you loved her too... I hope everyone had a very Happy Easter... Say good - bye to the bunny till next year.
 

April 20, 2000    Can you believe it.... I didn't forget to write, I was having a problem getting in my composer to write.  I hope I can remember everything I wanted to say.  I saw my  Mom last week we went out to eat lunch ad to the new Target store.  I thought she would enjoy that.  We got there and we ate there too.  She thought the store was very clean an she enjoyed her lunch, chicken fingers and soup and a large glass of water.  She loves water.    She liked watching the young children who came with there mommies.  When we started to walk around she didn't want to do it any more.  So we left.  I tried to talk her in to buying something for herself but she wasn't interested.  That is a very big change, me and mom always shopped till we dropped.    There has been a lot of rain lately  and the trees are turning green, it wont be long now till we will have some beautiful spring weather all of the time.   I am so excited, My sister in law and brother invited us for Easter.  I am so happy to go, Me and Greg and Billy, then when Sue gets out of work she will bring my mom and we will all be together.  Even my niece and her family, I am rally looking forward to it.  A lot of things coming up so we have a few weekends that we actually have a place to go.  Cant tell ya cause it is a Surprise ...he he  :)   I will after Okay.  Lots of love to all (((HUGS))) KTFINJ 

APRIL 9TH 
                   I just love this bunny
 Well today was a Surprise.  Yesterday it was about 75 degrees and sunny.  I just loved it.  Today, however, when I got up there was 2 to 3 inches of snow.  SNOW!  I thought I was dreaming.  The wind was howling and I was a wee bit chilly, after all,  yesterday I turned the heat way down.  After all who needs the heat when it is 75 degrees out.    Another interesting thing about today,  my brother Jimmy and his wife Florence were married 35 years today.  Time really does fly by.  My mother and father's anniversary was also April 9th, I can't remember the year.    I had a nice surprise visit to my web site from a women from Norway, she signed my guest book and I was able to see her web site too.  A picture of her lovely home and family.  The joy of the internet and technology.   That is about it for now.  (((HUGS)))

April 6th   I saw Mom today she looked really good, we went for a ride and out to lunch.  The place we went for lunch must  have been having a meeting because there were 20 or so older gentlemen dining too.  The noise from the talking was getting my mother anxious so she didn't eat too good.  After we finished our lunch, most of it we left, we went to visit my Aunt Viola, that is my mothers sister.  Mom was happy to see her, she said she hadn't seen her in a  long time, she was right, she hadn't.  Mom told me how important it was to see her" she is family  ".  We had a nice visit, then I drove mom back home.  I stayed and visited with her a little longer.  I love her so... Sometimes still I can't believe things are this way.  On my way out I saw the administrator of the nursing home and was telling him how well the staff has been taking care of my mother but I felt that he should get on the internet to learn more about this disease and that it wasn't just old people who get AD and if the nursing homes would start speaking up about it maybe more attention would be focused on aa cure if the government had to foot the bill for the care of so many people, maybe they would spend more on research.   On the band wagon again... oh well just don't get me started...  Sleep good my friends... (((HUGS)))) KTFINJ

APRIL 2, 2000 I can't believe it, time is going by so fast.  I don't even know where it is going.  It has been pretty hectic around here lately. I have had a lot of company.  It is nice to see friends and family it just seems like wham... it all has happened in the last two weeks.  Anyway, I talked  to my mother on the phone today, she sounded really good.  Very alert lately she has seemed very tired but sounded real energetic today, can't wait to see he this week, I hope the weather stays nice so we can do something outside, she really likes that.  I miss her so much, I feel like I am suppressing my feelings sometimes to get detached, part of me wants to do that yet I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her.
Just wanted to say Happy April to everyone..
.HEY DONNA  LOTS OF LUCK WITH YOUR NEW CAR 

Easter is just a few weeks away (((HUGS))))  Isn't this bunny so cute  hippity hoppity ''''''

March 28, 2000  I have a lot to talk about today.  My girlfriend came to visit on Sunday and we had a nice time.  We went to the outlets shopping and out to eat.  We had seafood, something we both really enjoy.   Then we stayed up late and talked.  Monday we went shopping again and last night we were very tired from all of the shopping. I made chicken and dumplings for dinner and we all had fun talking and laughing during dinner.  Today she left and I already miss her.  I also got a surprise gift in the mail from Laura, another great friend, it was a mug with a picture of her and roy (roy is her dog) I just love it!!! Thanks a bunch Laura.  If I were to count my blessings I could start with my friends, Laura, Mary and Kathy.  Kathy has been my friend since I was thirteen. Laura and Mary are my new friends and I can only say they have restored my faith in people.  It seems like I have had so much company lately but I have really enjoyed it.  I am looking forward to going to see my Mother tomorrow or thursday not sure which yet.  I am hoping that she got her hair done, that always makes her feel good.  That's about it for now.  (((HUGS))) Joanne KTFINJ
 

March 18, 2000  Okay so I have been very bad about writing.  Thank you my dear Donna, for telling me that you read my journal and want to know. (Donna is my niece) getting that email from you made me feel very happy. I did go to see my mom this week. When I got there she was sleeping.  So I sat by her bed and touched her hand.  She opened her eyes and didn't seem to be too interested in the fact that I was there.  My heart sunk.... I felt like the Titanic... I took a deep breath and said br prepared, this is what happens.  tears started falling from my eyes, so I took another deep breath got up and got a tissue, I began wiping my eyes and I heard mom say Hey Where are you going?? I turned and said No Where. She exclaimed well come on lets go some place... she sat up and seemed like her old self.  I felt better,,, I keep trying to keep this all in order and to be able to handle what comes next.... I pray that I will be strong and keep it all together.  I Love her so Much... Donna, I love you too.  Thanks for letting me know that this matters.  Life is short if we don't tell the people we love how we feel they may never  no. KTFINJ
 

March 7, 2000 It was a year ago today that my mom went into a nursing home.  I just called my daughter at work and my mom was walking by at the same time, Sue put her on the phone to talk to me.  She really didn't know who I was.  I had to tell her my name and I used my maiden name, WOW, she knew the name but somehow that didn't click, I hurt...I keep looking for a silver lining to this cloud as I feel very strange today after that conversation.  Usually when we talk on the phone she can tell it's me... a little more I have to let go... I feel like the little engine that could,  I think I can...I think I can... I had no idea how much of a dependency there was between us.  A friend of my mothers called me yesterday and was also saying how I was the world to my mother...I guess if that was so I now understand how she felt when I left to get married... I didn't really leave her, but I was no longer just hers.  SO I am loosing my mother, she isn't really gone, but she is no longer all mine... I can write so much about the relationship, it was so loving and yet too strong of a relationship... I needed to spread my wings long ago...I don't know how to fly solo... I will learn....(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

March 3, 2000   I didn't post on thursday this week and sometimes I just don't have anything to write.  Like tonight.  I am still waiting for the news on my site.  I would have liked to have won and maybe I still will.  If I don't I still have something I want to tell you.  If I get recognized by enough people, that only means to me that more people has been to my site.  If the come to visit it is nice but even better if they visit some of my linked friends. Ya see, my reason is this, they will talk about it and little by little, one step at a time and the word will get out about Alzheimer's and what the caregivers and the early onset people are all hoping for.  Funding to do more research with hopes that they will find a cure .  I feel confident that something will get done maybe not in time for me or my mother but maybe for my daughter or grandson or his kids or some one else they know.  One step at a time.   ((((HUGS))))) KTFINJ  Joanne
 

February 24, 2000  The snow is melting we have had a few days of 50 degree weather. I don't want to get to excited I know we still have March and that can be a cold month but each day we are closer to spring.  I forgot to mention that yesterday wa my nieces birthday, Happy Birthday!   Diane!...  Now that I have done that I feel bad because my other niece Donna had a Birthday in December and I didn't mention her.  So A Happy belated Birthday to Donna.
Billy had a Basketball game last night, they didn't win but they really played good.  Well, That is it for now (((HUGS))))

February 19, 2000  I had a nice day today, Greg was home so we took it easy then went to eat it was very nice.  Suzanne is back to work and I think she is happy.  She saw my mom today (she works at the same nursing home)  My mother didn't know her today... She must have been having a bad day.. I think that is the first time she didn't know her granddaughter Susie.  I keep preparing myself for the day she doesn't know me.  It scares me so much.  I only hope that it doesn't happen.  Even if she forgets me my physical person I don't think she will forget me, her daughter the touch the hugs the I love you's.. I pray not.  I have to take each day as it comes along.  Not so easy to do.  I know it got Sue upset, but She didn't tell me that it did.  I  guess she just wanted me to know that she (my mom) was having a off day.  (((HUGS))) KTFINJ

February 10, 2000   HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM...........YOUR 78 TODAY... I LOVE YOU  ****** 

February 8, 2000  Okay so it was my Birthday,,, Big Deal.... Boy was I ever surprised I got flowers from my two friends Laura and Mary.. You two are just too much.. Thank You.  Greg sent me flowers too they are real nice with plants .  Thank You Honey.  Sue got me my dreamscicle angel, thank you Sue.  It is really nice.  My darling little grandson gave me a card with money in it... That was a big surprise.  He did that all by himself... Mom didn't even know.  Sue cooked dinner and we had Ice Cream cake.  It was a busy day and now I am really tired.   Tomorrow I think I will be going to see my mom, her birthday is thursday but the weather isn't suppose to be too good, so I think I will go tomorrow.  Well to all my friends  good night and thank you for all the good wishes.. (((HUGS))) KTFINJ  

 
February 5, 2000    Okay I did it again.  I can not believe how fast time goes by.  Well on thursday I went to see my mom she was happy to see me, I brought my Aunt Viola with me and that made mom very happy.  My brother and sister in law were there too.   Mom was laughing and we all had a nice visit.  Mom is having a real hard time with her words still but as usual I can understand much of what she is talking about.  I love her so much.  Hard for me to believe that last year at this time we were planning our birthday  lunch.  She was still living in her apartment how quickly things can change.   Moms birthday is on the 10th and I hope the weather stays nice so we can go to eat, we usually get together for my birthday and hers.  I have been doing a lot to my web pages this week.  I am trying to learn some new things.  I haven't talked to Laura or Mary much lately but I know they know I am thinking of them.  Is it just me or does every one think time is going by quickly.  Well I thinks that is it for now.  Love to all ((((((HUGS)))))) KTFINJ

January 27, 2000 Well the driveway is clear of snow, well at least we can get in an out.  I think we got about a foot of snow.  I was planning to go see   my mom today but I didn't go.  I think I have come to a realization. I must still be having a problem coping.  It seems like I have an excuse or I don't feel good or something each time it gets near the day I should go.  I want to see her I miss her so much. There is something wrong though, something I cant face.  Lately she has  been having a real problem communicating her verbal skills are really bad.  None of the right words come out.  She has been having a real hard time with her legs and complains when she walks that they hurt.  I am worried is she getting worse?  I thought she was improving, and then boom...I need to face it.  I just need to figure out how..((((((((HUGS)))))KTFINJ  

January 22, 2000 I was a little busy today and I had to take Bo to get his rabies vaccination. I only have a few days to get his license.  I had bad news yesterday and I was very worried about my Aunt Viola.  My Aunt Olive passed away Yesterday January 21, 2000 in her sleep. She had been in a nursing home for about 1 year.  Aunt Olive was 90 years old. I know she is in a better place right now but it is still very difficult for her family.  My Aunt Viola and My Aunt Gladys and my Mother are the only children left out of the 9 in the family. All the brothers have gone to heaven.  (((HUGS))) KTFINJ
 

January 19th, 2000  Wow time really does go by quickly.  I had no idea it has been this long since I posted to my journal.  I must live a very interesting life to be this busy.  Anyway it has been very cold here in the North East.  I finally got my christmas decorations taken down and put away. I got caught up with my laundry and I went to visit my Mom today.  There is a forecast for snow tomorrow so I thought I better get there to visit her.  We had a nice visit but Mom was very tired today.  She was having a very hard time talking.  She couldn't get the words together very good today.  I shake my head and think Wow, how things have changed and how quickly I cant believe this is really going on and that my mother is living in a nursing home.  I feel sad tonight when I think of that but I feel she is happy in some ways.  It will take me a very long time to be able to accept this 100%.  Mary and Laura, I love you both, Thank you so much for thinking and caring about me.. It means so much, (((HUGS))) KTFINJ.......

January 14, 2000  not too much to talk about.  Just checking in. I hope everyone is feeling good. This flu has really been something. I am trying to get my web site in perfect shape, I am being reviewed for a award.  I will let everyone know when so you can all vote for my site.  Okay... Thanks.. (((((((HUGS)))))KTFINJ  

January 13,2000  I guess I don't have too much to say theses days.  I really don't want to bore people so I haven't been writing everyday.  I saw my mother yesterday, she was so happy to see me.  It was a long time, with me having the flu I stayed away I really didn't want her to get it.  She was so excited we went out for lunch and a ride, we took a ride over to my nieces house where my sister in law was.  So we had a nice visit.  Mom has been complaining that her legs didn't feel strong and that it is getting harder for her to get the legs to motivate. My words not hers, but that is sort of what she said.
    I went to the doctors today because I still don't feel good.  I have a upper respiratory infection so it was good thing I went.  So I am on medicine and that should help me get better.  If any one wants to read something  I wrote a little bit about this whole thing started.  It is in my link section.  I don't remember what I called it but it is down on the bottom right.  Hope everyone is fine.  (((HUGS)))KTFINJ

January 7, 2000  Oh my, I didn't realize it has been this long.  I was very sick, but I am feeling better today.  First day I stayed out of bed all day and no naps.  I still have the sweats and weakness but I do feel much better.  I still haven't seen my mom.  My brother and sister in law saw her today, she was very happy to see them.  She made them promise they would be back.  They told her I had the flu I hope she understands it.  Well she did for the moment anyway.  It is nearing a year since this all began.  I wrote a short version of what happen so I guess I will put it in here soon.  Well Laura, and Mary I was looking for you girls tonight, I guess your either out on the town or just busy.  Please I pray you aren't sick.  ((((((HUGS)))))KTFINJ  

December 31, 1999  Okay here we go.... 4 hours till the year 2000....wow... No big parties here, we all have the flu.. so instead of the Y2K Bug I am worrying about the flu bug... :(      Crying...  I have been thinking of my mom all day.  I saw her yesterday I wanted to call her today but didn't.  I love her.... Happy New Year Every one.. Keeping The Faith In New Jersey  (((HUGS))) Joanne  

December 25, 1999  Merry Christmas..................It was a nice day and quiet, Billy got up a little before 7am and was very happy to see Santa was pleased with him this year once again, Billy got a lot of toys.  Greg Sue Stanley and I were also very happy with our presents.  Last night Billy and Sue went to church with me and I must say that  is my most special gift.  My mother was here today and seemed to enjoy her day.  She is doing very good, I have to be thankful.  She has adjusted very well to her new home and was happy when she got back there tonight.  I guess as hard it is for me, I have to be thankful for the good care she is getting and that she likes her new home.  I think her quality of life has improved because she does more now than she had done in a very long time and has many new friends.  Thank you God.........for helping me.  Thank you Laura for guiding me.  Thank you all who care enough to read my journal even when I don't post and get frustrated because I don't know what to write.  

December 21, 1999  I couldn't begin to tell you but today just flew by, The days go by so fast I cant believe it .  I called Mary in Ok. tonight and that was so much fun.  It is especially nice to talk to friends with voices, this way I can put a voice with a e mail message.  So now I talked to Laura, and Mary.  I talked to Laura a long time ago I guess I will have to give her a call too one of these days.  I took my Aunt Viola to the laundry mat today, and then we stopped at the A & P we had a good time, it sure doesn't take much to entertain me.  I saw my cousin and I was happy to see her too, it has been a long time, so after the holidays we want to see each other for a visit.  Well I guess it is time for me to shut down and hit the hay.  Good night (((((((HUGS)))))))KTFINJ  

December 20, 1999  I was so excited this evening I got a call form Mary, Thank You Mary for thinking of me.  I want to mention I added a new picture to my Family and friends link.  It is a picture of my mother , it was in a local newspaper.  So if you get a chance go check it out.  It made me happy because she was really having a good time.  I just heard on the news we may be having a white christmas after all.  Sounds like some snow will be heading this way.   (((((HUGS))))  

December 19, 1999   Well the day went by with success.  We all got to the nursing home at 11:15 mom was napping so we woke her up.  Sue and I fixed her up and helped her change her clothes.  Then we all went to the Thai restaurant for our big day out.  We sang Happy Birthday to Billy and had a great time.  Joey and Kathy and Kathy's father and Mom all came back to my house for coffee and cake.  Mom really enjoyed herself but about 5:00 was ready to go home.  It puts my mind at ease, as now she wants to go home.  I was so worried about that, sometimes in the past she would not want to go back to the nursing home, now she calls it home and wants to go.  I am so happy and thankful for today, it was really special.((((HUGS))))KTFINJ  

December 16, 1999  Today was a really great day.  Sue and I went to the nursing home and got my mom and we went out.  We went to Wal ` Mart. That was the last place we had gone shopping before my mother got sick.  She seemed to have a pretty good time walking around the store.  I asked her to pick out somethings, so she picked a nightgown and bathrobe she was so excited.  We also got all the kids an ornament for the tree,  that is a nice gift that everyone can treasure.  I really think I am seeing improvements in her. (thanks to aricept)  Nothing so great that she would be able to go back living on her own, but still improvements.  After a while I noticed she was getting a little unsettled with the hustle and bustle so we called it quits and drove to my house, we waited for Billy to get home and so we were here at my house for about a hour then we took her back.  We bought a small skirt for her christmas tree so we put that on her dresser under the tree. and we took out clothes for Sunday.  Sunday Greg mom and me, my brother and his wife and Sue and Bill are all going out for thai food.  That ought to be interesting.  Oh yea, I think my mother is happoier now than she was for a long time.  She had her picture in the paper.  She was singing with the girl scouts while they were  christmas caroling in the halls at the nursing home.  I feel bad that she has to be ther but I really believe she is happy.   Today she told me. I don't have any money but that isn't what is really important.  I think love is the best gift , to love your family.  not exactley those words but close....   so I think she may be right.  Where would we be if we didn't love.?????  KTFINJ  ((((((((((HUGS))))))))  

December 14, 1999  I got busy early today and got out to do some christmas shopping, ther e are a few things I still need to buy.  Anyway didn't have as much success as I would have liked so I will try to do it again.  I don't have much time I start Jury Duty on Monday.    I feel like Christmas is coming too fast.  Anyway not much to talk about so just touching base, have a good night all.  ((((HUGS)))))KTFINJ

December 12, 1999  I  had a nice day today, it went by at a resonable pace, which is good because latley it seems like the days are just flying by.  I was a bit upset after receiving a christmas card from one of Gregs Aunts, it seemed rather strange. so I mentioned to him to give her a call.  Well not being surprised she has been diagnosed with EOAD.  I really feel so bad it makes me realize how important it is for everyone to be aware of the sign or symptoms and I feel that with the gruop of people who are working so hard to spread the word regarding the caregivers and the CWPML group we will be able to reach out and let the world know how serious this is.  Congratulations to Mary on her award.  Laura, I hope everything is going okay I haven't heard from you in a while.  Goodnight all ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

December 11, 1999  It was a cool windy day here and I had to do my cleaning.  So I opened up the sliding door to the deck and let the wind blow the dirt and dust right on out.  HA HA!!.. I managed to get the lead out and cleaned so now the house looks pretty good.  I worked on my web page for Christmas, I thought it was done and to my surprise I realized something hasn't loaded.  I wont say what it is, but if it gets loaded you will see it, otherwise I will just get myself aggravated.  This has been a hard job.   Any way My service provider was working out some problems so we were down for about 5 hours today.  Mary and Laura I hope you are both having a good day.  I hope to talk to you guys soon.  ((((((HUGS)))))))KTFINJ

     When Billy was done with that it was nearly Four Thirty,  we then went to St. Patrick's Cathedral.  I lit a few Candles and said  a lot of prayers. Then we left and went to a Jewelry store a few doors down from the church to see safes that Greg had made a few years ago.  No one approached us to ask if we wanted to buy anything, good thing too, I don't think I could have if I wanted too.  Really expensive stuff.  Then we walked back the other way towards Saks Fifth Avenue and looked at the animated displays they have in the windows.  Billy was getting very tired, and so were we so we headed towards the parking garage.  Leaving was much harder there was a lot more traffic and we had no idea how to get out of the city but after we saw Macys , the Empire State Building , Time Square and The Twin towers, Herald Square we finally asked how do we get to the Lincoln tunnel.  So we got going in the right direction and headed home.  Billy feel asleep as soon as we hit the tunnel and we came home.   What a great day we had, we were very tired but we sure had a great time.  This is really funny in the morning the streets were still pretty empty thank goodness, we got around real good, Sue was driving in the taxi and bus lane so we really moved around with no problems.. HA Ha !!!  Love ya all ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
  

     I hope it is not my imagination but my brother Joey and even my brother Jimmy and the rest of the family seem to think there has been some improvement with Mom.  I guess the aricept must be helping. she has been on that for about 9 months now but only on 10mg. since May. I think the increase has helped significantly.  I try not to think about it too much because I don't want to see myself getting a big let down.  I am just thankful each and very day for each day we have her, she honestly seems happier now than she has in a very long time.  ((((((HUGS))))))))KTFINJ
 
 
  December 4, 1999 I had a really nice day today Greg and I went out for a drive.  We did some shopping and had lunch out.  We came home and relaxed.  I got a new mouse for my new computer because the one that came with it was really junky.  The new one is a ball, so I am trying to get use to it.  But I think once I do I think I will like it.  I also got this really cute 24" fiber optic christmas tree, it is so pretty, I plan on bringing it to the nursing home for my mother.  I think she will like it.  I hope so, I really do.  I was so delighted yesterday I came across a web page of one of the first I found when I started looking up information on Alzheimer's Disease.  I guess I forgot her name there for a while, but once I saw the page I remembered.
 
A Year to Remember, I asked if I could link with her site and she said that she would be honored.  I will be honored she is such a good writer and her story is very touching.  She was also a wonderful help to me when I didn't know where to turn.  When my mother got sick I  felt like someone took my breath away and I was moving about but in a fog.   I was awake 20 hours or longer as I couldn't sleep so I was on the internet day and night.  I couldn't function,  I wasn't running to the nursing home or hospital.  I was walking around like a zombie or on my computer.  I was so blessed with the people I met who gave me guidance and courage and prayers.  ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))KTFINJ  

    December 3, 1999 I was very pleased today I finally got on IM and was able to speak to my friends Mary and Laura, O was so excited I felt like a kid again. I have been working on my web pages this evening added some new things and working on some other stuff too.  I talked to my mother on the phone today she seemed very happy to talk to me and she seemed less sad than she did yesterday.  (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))KTFINJ

 The best part of the day was that I remained calm.  My Mother came and looked really nice.  She had a good time and seemed pleased to be here.  As it got later she was very interested in going back home.  She was worried that no one would know where she was.  My brother and sister in law took her back and said she was just as happy to get back there as she was coming here.  That makes me feel so much better.  I was so worried.  I love her so and I am so thankful that  she was here with us for the holiday.  I have many things to do to get this computer up and running as I was use to but it is really fast.  Laura and Mary.... A few more days maybe sooner and I will be back on IM.  (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) KTFINJ

November 19, 1999   I just got a phone call from a dear friend of my mothers, they were friends when I was a baby,  She had gone to see my mother and my mother was very happy to see her.  She (Lydia) said mom seemed to know her and talked as if it was still all those years ago when all us kids were small.  Lydia is going to send me a letter that my mother wrote to her in February.  That is the same month my mother got so ill.  I am looking forward to getting the letter yet I know it will make me sad, just knowing that with in a few weeks from the time she wrote that letter her entire life would change. ((((((((HUGS))))))))KTFINJ

November 16,1999  Okay, so here it goes, Last night it was time for me to take my meds, I went got my pills and took them.  In the wee hours of the morning I realized oops,, I took my blood pressure medicine too, Not good considering I take it in the morning which means I took two yesterday.  A new prescription besides, so needless to say my blood pressure was extremely low today.  I guess part of the fact that I do theses sort of things on a daily basis makes me continue to wonder, What the Heck is going on. Sometimes I stand in front of the medicine cabinet staring, okay now what do I have to take.  In a minute or so I usually come up with the correct answer.  Last night I took my pills and went to bed 1/2 hour later.  Why in the early morning did it hit me and not right after I did it.  Oh well water under the bridge.  Just thought it may be a good idea to write this down in this journal, my private journal I wouldn't let any one see that not yet anyway.  It was really cool here today.  The sun was shining but very windy.  I am working on a surprise for my pages, having a lot of trouble with one part but I will keep trying and when I get it I will be very happy.  (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))KTFINJ

Novemver 8, 1999 Okay I am really tired tonight and I don't think I have what it taked to start working on my journal.  So for tonight just deal with this color and tomorrow I will fix it.  I was busy fixiing my links.  I still don't know exactly what I am doing.  Sometimes things go so smoothly , other times it seems like I fix one thing and something else goes wrong.  I wanted to try to talk to Laura and Mary tonight but I think now I will just say good night from here.  It is 11:00 and I am tired .  This color is really difficult to read.  I hope some of my family looks in and signs my guestbook.  I hope they can read it, ugh!!! this color is horrible for this..Love Ya all...(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))KTFINJ  OH!!! I fixed it..hey it wasn't that hard after all. :) happy happy!!!
 

November, 3, 1999  I had a very nice visit with my mom today.  I took her to the beauty parlor in the Nursing Home and curled her hair, it was like we were playing.  She hasn't changed that much when it comes to her appearance.  She told me exactly how she liked her hair and got the point across very well, when something was not what she wanted she let me know and if she liked it she told me that too.   I think I made her very happy with the final fix.  She said it looked so nice that she was going to sleep on the floor so she doesn't mess it up.  I hope she don't try that.  There is a new lady on her floor who seems to be very excited over everything, I invited her to join me and mom when we went to the canteen for a treat.  Mom and Camellia (I think that was her name) each had ice cream I had a soda. we sat and talked.  Mom has a real hard time with words, I usually understand what she is talking about, I think her new friend doesn't really understand but is just very happy.  She seems to have less a problem with words.  It was fun and they were both so happy.  Of course we spent time alone , mom doesn't really like to share me.  She was thinking about me because she said she was going to write me a letter but didn't know how, It is the thought that counts.  I love her so, I am thankful that on the day my brother called telling me that something was wrong that when I got to her house she was sitting at the table, I feared the worse, the ride was the longest ride, I was so scared. I know that God has given us this time and I am thankful.  So instead of feeling so bad I have started to count my blessings.
One Day at a Time........(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))KTFINJ

November 2, 1999   Well another girls night on IM....what fun.  I will say I am very thankful for my friends.  Laura, and Mary whom I never met in person have become my cyber sisters.  My best friend Kathie who has been my friend for about 34 years.  It is the special feeling you share with someone that needs no words but something you can sense.  I can feel that way with my mom too.  I know what she is feeling somehow.  I have been very lucky in my life, to have known people that are so wonderful and accept me for me.  More than I have mentioned, but those of you who I didn't mention know who you are.    Here is a saying.  When life keeps you in the dark that's when you start looking for stars.........

October 30th 1999  Hi everyone, I didn't have much to talk about yesterday, so even I who can go on and on ,had very little to say.  I was so excited to see all who signed my guest book today.  Thank you very much, it means so much to me.
  Greg and I went out today we had a very nice day, it seems like it has been forever since we had time for us.  we bought the new LeAnn Rimes CD it is really good especially if you like Patsy Cline and some of the other older country songs.  It made me really think .  My father in law who has joined the angels in heaven, my mother in law who has joined him and my mother, how they all loved this type of country music, it makes me feel so sad, and yet I can recall some wonderful and very happy times.  I can also think about the wonderful times with Ed and Lois singing until the wee hours of the morning with the guys playing guitar .  Oh! how much fun..........Hey Ed and Lois, You too Bobby come on lets get together.
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) KTFINJ
 

October 24, 1999  It's Me!!!!!!!! Well Sunday night the family is all snug as bugs in rugs. I of course am still sitting here at the computer doing what I find to be most enjoyable writing and chatting to my friends.  Sleeping is very good though and I really enjoy doing that sleeping thing.  My only problem is that I like to sleep around 4 am, sometimes I get lucky and can sleep earlier but my best sleeping time is early morning.    I got the letter today from my county inviting me to serve on jury duty.  It is for December 20th.  I really will be looking forward to doing that the week before Christmas. So rather than decline and it is my civil duty.   I will be off to the courthouse rather than at the mall looking for some cut little Santa's lap to sit on. I wont be able to get my picture taken with Santa this year.  Boo Hoo.    I was riding in the car today with my husband, on our way to go to eat. (his favorite place Thai food).  I was thinking what am I thankful for today. I was thankful we were able to go to do whatever it was thai food and whatever would come next.  I was happy being with him.  It was one of those days where he wasn't sure if he should talk to me or not and I was ill at ease worrying that he wasn't happy.  Very weird because if we would have just been ourselves we would have had a more relaxed time.  How awful to ruin a great day with stupid stuff.  I am thankful I realize it. Next time I hope I realize it before I do it.(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) KTFINJ

 October 23, 1999
  Hi everyone, I guess I am doing you all a small favor.  I have decide to start putting my latest entries first, this way you don't have to search the whole journal to see what is going on.  A good friend advised me that might be a good idea, I think she was right.  Thank You, (((((((HUGS))))))) .  I wasn't feeling very good the last couple of days.  I went to a birthday party today for my third cousin he turned one year old today, Happy Birthday Michael!!!!.Now I am getting ready for bed.  I want to say I am thankful for my good friends.  Laura, thank you for the email showing your concern it really means a lot to me.  I guess from being tired it made me feel a little depressed.  Oh well,  I must try to remember that there are many others who have a lot more to feel sad about.    I was told by the doctor that even when you feel like your depressed and try to think of others who may have reason to be sad or have to deal with a problem or illness much worse that I still have a right to feel depressed or sad because what ever it is that is bothering me is mine and I am entitled to feel it.  Sorry folks....just having one of mine..Looking forward to a better day...(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))KTFINJ

Wednesday, September 29, 1999

Well today I tried setting up my journal page, this way we can see what has happened in my life. I found it very nerve
wracking trying to do this but I proceeded..I don't want to give up so I will keep plugging away.

     I haven't seen my mom since Monday. We went out for lunch Sue, me and mom. I think she really enjoyed that. I
picked out her lunch, the menu was to difficult for her . Then I decided to bring her to my house. I have been wanting to
do this since the last day she was here. That was in early March, when she was so sick. She had been here for ten days,
sleeping in my living room on my grandsons trundle bed. I slept on the floor to be near her. We were doing a lot of
running at that time, back and forth to different doctors for MRI'S ,CAT SCANS, Blood Tests etc.…. I was exhausted
from not sleeping and she was slipping away had NO idea what was going on. One night I thought she was dying...As
tired and horrible those days were...I still can't believe everything that has happen since then.

   Well yesterday when I brought mom back to the nursing home she didn't want to go...She wanted to stay with me...She
gave me the good old guilt as she did so many times before, only this time..it hurt even worse..But I also understand
much more now, what she must be feeling.

     I want to at this time say thank you to Laura, and all my new found friends on CWPML..for all the support..The
courage to really look at what is going on with my own memory problems and to Talk about it......
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))KTFINJ

So I saw Mom today she was happy to see me, that is so good especially since I have no idea how long that will last..She knew my name but said I was her sons wife...okay I'll take that. She wasn't upset with me today, I guess she doesn't recall the visit monday when she didn't want me to take her back. Her friend Mary, isn't doing to good but it keeps my mom busy because she can do her mothering and Mary doesn't mind, she just kind of goes along with it.  I have a hard time believing this..how can this be..if she was well she would be scared as anything being there. Mom was so afraid of so many things, I think God decided he wasn't going to let her be scared anymore.  He has taken all her worries away..she loves me..she tells me that.. I tell her..I am so grateful, I can still give her hugs.  The conversations are getting harder it has become more and more difficult trying to figure out what she is talking about.  It is a good thing I know her so well, her expressions tell me a lot.  Old habits are hard to break, so true, she still says call me and let me know you got home okay. When would have I noticed that this was happening?  I did notice. I was so afraid to go against her and tell her doctor about her strange behavior..In some ways I wish I would have, then she could have gotten on some medicine(aricept) then on the other hand this allowed her to live independently for a longer time.  One day she called about 6:00 in the AM she talked very confused, she said she didn't realize what time it was. she had been up all night.  The problem for me is I cant remember when that was.  How long ago etc.

  Here is something strange to watch for, if anyone has this to worry about.  My mother started thinking that the people on the television were in her apartment. She started seeing things that were not there. She lost interest in socializing, sometimes even with me, I would ask her to stay over night and she would decline. She started loosing weight, Her asking me to come to visit the day after I was there, Asking for help for things that she was always able to do herself. Becoming agitated easily. Complaining that things were missing. I think some of these signs are important things to question.
((((((( HUGS)))))))))))KTFINJ

     THE MOVIE!!!! I am not a critic but this is my opinion.  I thought the movie was great. I will even go as far as saying Ms.Mia gave it a good performance and Martin Sheen has always been a favorite of mine so cant say anything bad about him.  It moved along really fast and kept my attention.  I liked the book better because it gave more details, however, the movie was able to get the feeling of confusion and the abstract way one may feel if experiencing that sort of out of body experience. I will call it that for lack of better terminology. ( I hope that doesn't offend anyone) I will rate it **** 4 Stars at least.. Diane... you are much prettier than you know who...  ((((((((HUGS))))))))) KTFINJ...

Okay it is one of those days...nothing wants to work..I tired loading a picture of my kitty cat..that didn't work either... Okay then ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))KTFINJ 

  Just incase anyone who reads this thinks..hey what is she writing about her mom for...we all have had to deal with some loss some a lot worse..I know that others had to cope with tragedy, I am not doing this for sympathy or because I feel sorry for myself. Because  I don't.. I feel it is a learning process and if one person goes away with a good feeling or some insight or just a wee bit happier or if it has touched them in any way...I have done what I wanted to accomplish.  I also am doing this for myself... I need to do this for me.. I want to be able and look back and say oh is that what was going on with me then.. I am also doing as an excersise for my own brain.  Believe it or not..you really do have to think to do this... Love to all ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))KTFINJ
       Click on bluebird to go back to homepage........Dont forget to check out my Links...there are some really nice sites and a lot of information.  So go see Laura, Mary, Diana, and CWPML everyone will appreciate the visit.